This is a post that I’ve been hesitant to write, because in some ways it feels a bit too intimate. Laying all my cards on the table opens me up to expectations and people asking me if I’m up the duff yet. I do wonder if it would be better to wait, and simply make an announcement when it happens, at a stage in the pregnancy that I feel comfortable to do so. But at the same time, this is something which is very important in our lives right now. It’s a part of our journey with Thomas that I didn’t really record, and this time I want to remember what it’s really like.
So here we are. We’re officially trying to conceive.
Everyone knows what trying to conceive involves. Plenty of frequent bedroom antics in the hope that a single sperm reaches the elusive egg. It’s important for everyone to take the best care of themselves that they can, and take their folic acid to reduce the risk of neural tube defects.
But diabetes has the potential to throw a huge spanner in the works when you want to make a baby. From the moment of conception, higher blood sugars than normal increase the risks of miscarriage and birth defects. The only way to mitigate these risks is to have the best blood glucose control possible.
But that isn’t always that easy. Diabetes is beast that isn’t that simple to tame. Everything that you can think of, from food to exercise, stress to the weather has the potential to affect your blood sugars. And of course blood sugars have the potential to affect pretty much everything in your life. That includes your hormones and hence, your cycles. And the more regular your cycles, the easier it is to conceive.
If you’ve read my entries from my pregnancy with Thomas, you’ll realise that I was quite obsessive about keeping good control, and would have done anything and everything to keep him safe. But back then, diabetes was pretty much my sole focus. True, I also had a stressful full time job, but now I have a stressful part time job and a demanding toddler, as well as diabetes which an be just as stressful as the job, and just as demanding as the toddler.
I have a feeling that things will be a lot tougher this time. But yet, somehow, I want it that much more.
When I was pregnant with Thomas, hearing about people desperate to conceive their second or third child always made me think “But at least they have one child already. It’s not the same as wanting your first child”. I couldn’t understand how the desire could be so great as for a childless person. It’s true that it’s not the same, bu tnot in the way that I thought. Now I don’t just want a child for myself, I want a sibling for my son. And I feel more pressure and in a much greater hurry to get pregnant because I don’t want a huge age gap between my children. To the point that I was ridiculously disappointed not to have conceived in my last cycle as it was my last opportunity to have a second child before Thomas turns two. I realise that two under two would be making life hard for me in so many ways, so please no one point that out. It was just a milestone for me.
The first stage of pregnancy prep for a person with diabetes is making sure that those blood sugars are good enough. In effect we need to be given “permission to try” by our doctors. Of course no one can dictate what you do, and there is no forced contraception, but it’s done for the best of reasons. I’m on board with that. The crucial test is the HbA1c, which reflects control over the previous three months. (For any geeks, it is percentage of haemoglobin molecules which have been glycosylated – or have glucose attached to them. The higher the average blood sugar, the higher this percentage will be. And it covers about three months as this is the approximate life span of a red blood cell.) For non-diabetics, the range is somewhere between 4 and 6%. The advised target for women wanting to become pregnant is less than 6.5%. See above for all the factors that affect diabetes if you think that is remotely easy to do for the majority of women with diabetes. It takes hard work and commitment every single day, and through the night too, since diabetes never sleeps.
This morning we made a trip to the hospital to receive my latest “report”. It’s ridiculous, but I was nervous to the point of feeling dizzy and sick. I want this so much that I was petrified my control would have slipped and we’d have to stop trying. I want this, but I also want it with the minimum of risks. Ian was ever patient, trying to calm me down and point out that I’ve hovered around 6% since Thomas was born, and there was no reason to think that would have changed.
Except the month I spent without my CGM when the transmitter died and i was waiting for a replacement. Except the mild excesses of Christmas. Except the afternoon highs that have plagued me for the last few weeks.
I felt as nervous as if I was going in to an exam. And in a way, that’s what it feels like. I know that the number is just a number. That it isn’t a reflection of my self worth. It’s just a number which doesn’t represent failure. It’s just a piece of information to help me look after myself the best that I can. But even though I know all that, it still felt like so much was resting on this.
When we were called through to be seen, the very first thing I asked, before I even said hello, was “What was the number?”
The minute it took to get the results up on the screen felt like it was going in slow motion. And then came the answer.
And I turned to Ian with a massive grin, not even caring that he’d won the bet and been closer with his guess.
I felt the kind of elation that comes after finishing exams and knowing that there is no more revision but sudden freedom.
Except, diabetes doesn’t stop. It’s a relentless animal.
I have to keep doing this over and over and over. I have to keep doing it always, but especially whilst we try to conceive. There can be no slacking. No coasting.
While other women obsessively track signs of ovulation and time everything with precision, I’m obsessively tracking my blood sugars in pursuit of not just a pregnancy, but the healthiest pregnancy I can mange with the complications of my chronic health conditions.
That’s how trying to conceive with diabetes is different.