That is what. Big fat nada. Zero. Zilch.
Well, except for a big pile of selfish self-pity and a self indulgent blog post.
It is selfish. I know it’s selfish and self-centred to be moaning about the fact that we still haven’t managed to conceive another baby when the trials facing other people are so much greater. I know couples who’ve only conceived after years of waiting and endless fertility interventions. I know couples who’ve failed to conceive at all. Believe me, I do know how lucky we are to have Thomas. But that doesn’t make my feelings of frustration and disappointment at my inability to provide him with a sibling any less real.
And it really is frustrating. That is the word that tops the list for how I feel right now. I can’t stop myself from getting annoyed that it simply just doesn’t “just work”. If you know that the egg is there, and you’re sending sperm to meet it not only at the right time, but regularly all the time, why on earth has a baby not resulted yet? Especially given that it obviously worked for us before, and we know that we clearly were fertile recently. It’s logical to assume that sperm plus egg should equal baby.
I know that I need to take a step back and remember just how amazing the fact of two sets of genetic material coming together and making a whole new person is. Of course it’s not as simple as it might seem from the outside. Of course it takes time and truly the odds are stacked against all the necessary steps aligning perfectly in any given cycle.
But I can’t help feeling that I’m failing at this, that my body is letting me down yet again by failing to achieve this. I’m known for being hard on myself, but I hate to fail in any goal I set myself. I’m nothing if not tenacious. So the very worst thing about this is how totally out of our control this really is. In other areas of my life I will just work harder and do more , practice more, in order to succeed. But we’re already doing the logical things which need to be done. Without wishing to post all the intimate details of my life online, we’re very definitely having enough sex. And we’re as sure as we can be that I’m ovulating.
So once again, with feeling, why is it not working?
There is no sure fire way to increase your chances, and no shortcuts through the weeks of waiting between cycles and nothing much else we can do at all. We’ve already cut out/down on alcohol and caffeine, we’re eating a healthy balanced diet and taking recommended supplements. I do weigh more than when we conceived before, but my BMI is still in a healthy range.
Please don’t tell me to stop thinking about it, to “just relax” or that “it will happen when it’s meant to”, because I know. That doesn’t make it easy to do. I just want this so much. I want Thomas to have a sibling who is relatively close in age. With every month that passes I feel that dream slipping.
And there is nothing to do but wait. And keep trying.