A couple of days on, I’m concerned that my last post may have come across as unnecessarily negative or self indulgent, and that perhaps it requires some balance.
For starters, I’m acutely aware of how many alternative scenarios I could be facing that are infinitely worse than anything I’ve ever experienced or am facing now. It may be a big deal to me in this moment, but in the grand scheme of things, it’s a minor blip.
I’ve spent my entire life refusing to be someone who says “It’s not fair”, because, frankly, that is only stating the obvious. Life is intrinsically unfair.
Perhaps the most difficult part for me is the lack of control. I’m used to working to get what I want and holding no one accountable but myself if I don’t get to where I want to go. And whilst I’ve made changes to my lifestyle and devoted hours to monitoring and recording my “fertile signs”, doing everything in my power to optimise our chances of successful conception, ultimately there is only so much that I can do. At the end of the day, much of it is out of my hands and comes down to chance, or to good old-fashioned luck. It’s hard for me to get my head around that.
I feel sometimes like my body is saying “no” to me, which is not something I find easy to accept. As someone who has met a lot of narrow minded prejudice in my life, I’ve learned always to be clear with people that they shouldn’t tell me not to do something that I really want to do. Not to tell me “no” based on their own assumptions of what they could, or would, do if they were me or in my position. The greater the barriers people raise, the higher I will jump, or the further I will go, to get around them. I generally set a limit on my limitations rather than letting my limitations set a limit on what I can achieve. I can assure you that without this attitude I wouldn’t be where I am now, doing the job that I do, living, and having lived, the life that I do.
But none of this works when then problem lies in the way that your body works. Or doesn’t. I can’t go any further or work any harder, and my passivity is translating in to negativity.
On the flip side, at least I’m used to things not really working how they should. I’m used to unexpected twists to the journey and I’m used to getting bad news about my health. Even a commonplace broken leg for me had to be complicated by the simultaneous rupture of my achilles tendon which led to three surgeries and a total of more than six months in plaster. I never do things by halves, and perhaps my biggest mistake is allowing myself to be surprised that this isn’t going smoothly.
The positive side of all of this is that I’m built to cope. If I can’t direct my strength and determination into actually making it happen myself, at least I can direct it into re-setting my expectations and coping with the journey.
And not giving up.